Stardew Valley: Top 10 Coolest Weapons

Well, Top 11 Best Items somehow started getting views four full months after I made it, so I might as well make good on my desire to make a follow-up guide about weapons. Like any good farming simulator, there’s plenty of weaponry available in Stardew, and while the average player most likely uses the exact same pool of about six or seven weapons that you get then don’t need to replace until the next good weapon in the pool, making a list of those would be a tad bit boring. Thankfully, one of the last things I care about when making rankings is practicality, so if you have a desire to come along with me on a journey through Stardew’s weapons, keep that in mind.

 

Now just what is a “weapon”?
A weapon, in the case of this guide, is simply the things listed under the “weapons” section on the Stardew Valley wiki. For the sake of this list, I won’t be including slingshots because I just don’t really like them, and I also won’t be including unobtainable weapons. That second rule is one I will not be breaking under any circumstances, so no need to go over what it specifies.

Alright, ranking time!

Honorable Mention: Abby’s Planchette

That’s right, I’m including images now. I’m in the big leagues.

So, when planning for this guide I made myself a rule that I wouldn’t put any unobtainable items on the list, because this is the best weapons in Stardew Valley, not theoretically in Stardew Valley. However, this isn’t technically on the list, so I can’t be mad at myself for breaking my own stupid rule. Loophole!
Onto the weapon itself, the most obvious thing I like about it is the fact that it belonged to Abigail, because anything from wifey is automatically going to be high on any list of mine. It’s a very fitting thing to be linked to her, as upon looking up what a planchette is a few seconds ago I feel like I can confirm that she probably would own one. I do wish it did a bit more then 1-3 damage, but then again I wouldn’t be able to use it anyway so that’s fine with me. All around, a solid item that would’ve made the list if it weren’t for my own dumb rule.

Number 10: Iridium Needle

It’s the crit machine! (TM).

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve used a dagger in Stardew Valley, I’d be more broke then the guy who buys three-hundred cauliflower seeds on game day five. This dagger, however, is by no means an exception to this fact, and is only on this list because I think it’s funny how thin the darn thing is. Like yeah, I know it’s called an Iridium Needle, but if I may be entirely honest, needles aren’t exactly the first thing I think of when I realize I need to stab somebody.
I can admit that it has quite an impressive potential for dealing insanely massive and consistent crit damage, but all around it’s pretty much here because I wanted to poke fun at it. Just like how I’d be poking every enemy I fought with it hundreds of times before they actually felt anything with how thin this g-dang blade is.

Number 9: Ossified Blade

The first bone on this list.

I just think this looks really cool, I’ll be honest with you. Not that I haven’t been being honest with you so far, I just want to be especially clear that I genuinely just think that this is a cool looking sprite with a neat concept behind it. I’m almost certain that I’m never once going to use it, as my current profile doesn’t have remixed dungeon rewards turned on and I’m also far, far past the point of this doing enough damage to be viable, but hey. It looks cool.

Number 8: Broken Trident

It’s like a fixed trident, but not.

I feel bad for my guy the Broken Trident, I really do. The one bit of information on it’s update history on the Stardew Valley Wiki page is it being nerfed to be less the half of the original level it was listed as and worth less then half of it’s original sell price. And did the Broken Trident deserve that? Absolutely, positively, one-hundred percent no, and I will argue for it until the day I die. I mean, what, were people who were using it upset that the level didn’t properly reflect it’s output? If anything needs to be fixed in the next update, frankly, it’s the people who were actually using the Broken Trident in the first place!
I’m getting too heated, so to calm things down a bit, I enjoy this weapon’s concept. If I get it in a fishing chest I’m gonna be happy, even if it’s taking up an inventory slot. It deserves justice.
#unnerfbrokentrident

Number 7: Dragontooth Cutlass

Now that’s what I call a cutlass!

Okay but like, just look at this thing. I wish I could have this sword in real life just to hang on my wall, or perhaps even poke an intruder if push had truly come to shove. And while I can’t say I’m as excited to find this in a Volcano Dungeon chest as I am to find a Broken Trident in a fishing chest, that’s not exactly the Dragontooth Cutlass’ fault, is it? That’s just the fact that I want to find the last gosh-darn Golden Nut I need but the game keeps giving me outdated weaponry instead. Is it a punishment? Maybe, maybe not. It’s a cool sword either way.

Number 6: The Slammer

The Slammer? I hardly know her.

Bad jokes aside, why can this weapon only be found from level 110 of the normal mines in remix mode and levels 40+ of Skull Cavern? Those, unless I’m missing something, are very different parts of the game Stardew Valley, and I don’t really see why getting this in a non-remixed playthrough would evoke any emotion other then confusion as to why an enemy at level 40+ of what is still pretty much the endgame mine would drop The Slammer. With all that being said, however…
… I mean, c’mon. It’s The Slammer. Do I even have to say anything more then that, because I feel like you get it. And yes, all this weapon has to do is be called “The Slammer” to get to number six on this list. I figure since I made the warning about this list’s absence of practicality in the description, I might as well take advantage of it.

Number 5: Wicked Kris

It’s him! It’s Kris!

Now, if you’re one of what I imagine to be roughly three people in history to gaze upon the wiki page for the Wicked Kris, you might be expecting me to talk about a few things. Maybe something about how it’s also dropped in remix mode and level 40+ in Skull cavern like The Slammer, perhaps something about how it got nerfed to have a lower level and sell price just like the Broken Trident. But I’m not going to say any of that, because Kris wouldn’t want that.
Kris is a chill dagger, y’know, and I know you might be thinking “He’s not chill, he’s wicked!”, but stop that. Just because he’s a bit wicked sometimes doesn’t mean he’s always wicked, and really, it’s just mean that you would assume otherwise so quickly. I mean, this is Kris we’re talking about. So yeah, Wicked Kris is number five. Good for him.

Number 4: Neptune’s Glave

You’re telling me a Neptune owns this glaive?

Now I may not know what a glaive is, but I do know that this most likely is one. It’s yet another absurdly obscure sword which for whatever reason received a nerf in 1.5, but in this care it’s especially strange because honestly? This is more of a trophy then a weapon, at least when considering that it only has a 0.6% chance of dropping from fishing treasure chests. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing by any means, as the times that I’ve managed to get this drop I’ve thought it was pretty cool. Also, it works great as a trophy since it has such a nice sprite and a cool name and description on top of that. All around, I really enjoy Neptune’s Glaive.

Number 3: Insect Head

Okay why were so many weapons nerfed in 1.5.

Ignoring that because I’ve far overused that point, this is honestly one of the few weapons on this list that I’ve actually used in a combat setting for combat reasons. It is, after all, the first monster eradication goal, and since it’s an incredibly easy one at that you can actually complete it at a point where the weapon can be useful. But we’re not here to talk about how useful it is.
It’s just a straight up bugs head. I don’t know what bug, and honestly I’m glad I don’t know what bug since it’s head is the size of a sword. Speaking of things I don’t know, is it really worth 10,000g? Like there’s not a reason to ever buy it so it doesn’t actually matter all that much, but it just seems a bit excessive to charge 10,000g for a level four sword. But then again, Marlon’s a cool guy, so I’ll let this one pass. Insect Head definitely earns it’s third place spot.

Number 2: Dwarf Hammer

The number 2 spot is a decent weapon?! Balderdash!

Rest assured, my good person, there is no balderdash of any sort here. I’m merely a big fan of the look of the Dwarf Hammer, as I feel like it’s pleasant sprite is fitted with a positively joyful description which brings it all together. This weapon also ties to my good buddy the Dwarf, and since he’s my favorite supplier of explosive devices it’s nice to know that he probably also knows a thing or two about creating other forms of weaponry. If you’re wondering why none of the other Dwarf weapons are on this list, it’s because they aren’t hammers. I don’t know what else you want me to say.

The Big Winner: Femur

A level 2 weapon is the big winner? Nature must be healing.

With all the nerfing I’ve been forced to talk about, it’s so incredibly refreshing to say the major boost the Femur received in 1.5. I mean, it’s weapon level and price doubled. Sure, yeah, that’s just my way of making that fact that it went from level 1 to level 2 seem more impressive, but y’know what? That is impressive, so stop trying to belittle Femur’s accomplishments. And it’s also quite the accomplishment that the Femur used to be an unobtainable item that became part of the game. Good for him.
While I am definitely upset that I probably won’t be getting it anytime soon since the Wiki says it’s only available in remix mine chests, that’s alright, because this is not only the second bone on this list, but it’s also by far the best. Femur, without a shadow of a doubt, earns it’s number one spot as the best weapon in Stardew Valley. Hands down.

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